Six weeks later my brother died unexpectedly. Just over a year later, we lost my niece. I remember sitting in the waiting room, leaning over and just letting my big fat tears fall on the floor. I was racked with grief, disbelief, sorrow and guilt--I was leaning over a five-month pregnant belly. I remember looking around at my broken family and telling God I was done. The God I trusted couldn't have let all of this happen to us.
Thankfully I didn't veer too far, and I hope that God has forgiven me for giving up on Him. I've grown a lot over the last few years, and I hope to grow even more in the future. R and I are doing a study group at church where we're watching a documentary series on Catholicism. Our meeting a few weeks ago focused on the existence of God and why bad things happen if there's a God. It of course didn't explain everything, but I loved this analogy.
The artist Georges Seurat did this entire painting in dots. As we watched the DVD, the camera was zoomed in on ONE dot and it was just a brown blob. Then they panned out a little bit and it was a few dots. Then they panned out a little more and it was a nose. Then a little more. A man's face. A little more. An entire man. Finally, the whole painting was in view. The priest on the DVD said that we have to remember that in our own little world, we might just be able to see dots. We have no idea that others see different dots. Or that they all work together to create the masterpiece that God has created. We have to trust that He sees everything we can't.
Last weekend's school shooting has made me question Him yet again. I think it's hit me even harder because we have a six year old, and school is one place where she should always feel safe and loved. Facebook has been bombarded by people who are praying for Newtown, but there are also plenty who want to know where God was and how He could permit this to happen. I don't have the answers, and I don't know why my own family has had more than its fair share of loss. But I have to believe once again, that this is the same God who stood by when His son died. A friend of mine said there's a statue of Jesus across from the OKC building that was bombed in 1995. He's turned away from the building with His face in His hands and it says, "And Jesus Wept."
I'm holding my babies a little closer this week, even though I've seen how fast things can change. Unfortunately, it's hard to truly live each day to its fullest and not take things for granted. Real life gets in the way and it's way too easy to get mad about the toys left in the hallway or the towel that never stays on the rack or the refrigerator that's always open. And right now, to be honest, I'm a little "blah" because both girls are under the weather, I took off today, I may have to take off tomorrow and holiday plans are up in the air. But if I stop and take a deep breath--I'm blessed. I still get to tuck my babies in tonight and pray with them. We'll pray to a God who's always working on that perfect masterpiece--and we teeny little dots don't have to understand.
